i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.