If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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plant them where lol
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda