I laughed at this way too hard.
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up