How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.