“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Oceanography is all about current events
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them