No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.