Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong