[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.