“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences