“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey