howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often