How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
dream blunt rotation
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?