How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My kitchen overserved me.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?