HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut