HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Maths meets science
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Mission: Impossible
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*