HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.