Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.