We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
#dnd #ttrpg
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.