POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The best shot in the history of golf
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex