Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
finally
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!