Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
dutch is not a serious language
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Smells like a challenge to me
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.