MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
i choose….tongue
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.