@TheMichaelRock: HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
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@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@papasuncle: [commercial] "Is there a dull film on your dishes?" Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@ariscott: For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
@Mr_Kapowski: Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40" monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view