doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
what’s really going on
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
so weird how every mom was born today
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones