Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder