It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Going into Monday like
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Thursday Thought.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars