2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.