[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back