Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.