If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.