Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast