I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Sharon, call the vet
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Same pineapple, same
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside