BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle