{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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Good boy 😂😂
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”