As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.