Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Seems legit
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.