Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You Might Also Like
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
sleeping beauty
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him