When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
and now we wait
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.