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@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
@Playing_Dad: Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.
@Pundamentalism: The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
@shadygrenade: Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right? Guy in front row: that's a ham. Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.