Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Reporter: *ports again*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.