Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.