Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what