Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My dog learned how to text
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.