What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.