People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
You Might Also Like
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.