Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise