I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
You Might Also Like
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.