new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
#oldknees
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.