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@4SLars: PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
@DevilryFun: I'm so tired, I'm thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.