me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My safe word is Worcestershire
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.