* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My friend is an excellent librarian.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Shower sex be like:
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”