4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.