Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
i dont have time for this
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die